1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
6. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
7. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
8. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
9. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
10. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted.

Thanks to a generous million dollar grant from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, the State of Maine Dep't of Education will be distributing 36,000 Apple iBook laptops to 7th & 8th graders, as well as supplying excellent Mac training to all their teachers.
We predict next year's Gates grant will go elsewhere!

If computer error messages were haikus:

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

Three things are certain:
death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

A file that big?
It might be very useful,
but now it is gone.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

The code was willing.
It considered your request,
but the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.!!!

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

"I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems,so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over,so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff,he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated,and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

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THE IRISHMAN

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again.

************************************************************

THE MISTRESS

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off. "Who was that?" the wife demanded. "If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress." "Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed. The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?" For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?" "That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.
"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE PARROT

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.

She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and some times it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.

She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, George, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores ... same old faces. Hi George!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hello. Is this the FBI?" "Yes. How may we help you?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir. We'll look into that." The next day, the FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the owner and leave.. Immediately, the phone rings at his house. "Hey, neighbor! Did the FBI come to your place?" "Yeah! They went thru everything in the shed!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas, Buddy."

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Some stories reported from Computer Support Dep'ts.

Another thought the System Administrator could see her through her laptop screen.

And then, the fellow who, when asked to back up his computer to protect it, actually moved the whole thing further back on his desk! We must presume he was "protecting" it from falling on the floor.

A lady complained to Dell Support that the "foot pedal" was broken and would not run her new computer, no matter how she pushed on it with her foot! Shoulda bought a Singer, maybe?

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1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right" is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

13. And the winner!!

"As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals.

The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch.

When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.

The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.

A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper."
(Taco Bell Corporation)

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Ever seen the back end of a Smiley Face?